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So recently, I‘ve been seeing a clip of TD Jakes talking about “the problem with women” today. This conversation, in general, is a large part of my motivation for the Women of God series I’ve been doing on my YouTube channel. I’m currently taking a break from editing videos, but I couldn’t just not say anything at all! If you haven’t seen the clip, please watch below before reading on (It is better for people to have their own initial impressions going in to discussions, rather than hearing his words with preconceived notions.) Also, please remember that this is merely a clip from a longer sermon—I have no idea what the surrounding context was.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkjfZ6Rj03E
Let’s start with the common ground, because there actually are some things I agree with.
No one, and I mean no one—male or female—wants to be told “I don’t need you.” So, I agree that it is definitely an unhealthy practice to go home to your spouse everyday and “brag” that you don’t need them. TD Jakes makes this a gendered statement, but no wife wants to hear that from her husband either.
He goes on to say that women became the way we became out of pain because men have hurt women. Depending on exactly what he means when he says this, I can agree to some extent. Do I think women have interests outside of babies and their husband due to pain, no I think that’s normal. However, I do think that the desire to be independent is tethered to self preservation. For centuries, women were forced to stay with abusive men because there were no laws to protect us, and we weren’t able to make enough money to support ourselves. It is definitely a conversation that was had between the older women in my family and myself, as well as among my friends and myself—what happens if you are fully dependent on a man and he turns out to be a monster? In the modern era, this continues because many women have not found a man they can depend on.
So, I admit there is some truth in this—none of my female friends have the mindset that they just want to work and buy everything without any help from anyone. I personally would love to be able to focus on writing a book or growing a handmade journal company, and explore my interests that do not pay a computer scientist’s salary.
I think an example of how the behavior of the men in one’s life affect them can be seen in Lord of the Rings. (I’ve been thinking on this for awhile actually, well before I saw this clip.) The leading[3] ladies, Arwen and Éowyn, come off the screen very different, even though they are both princesses and both join the fight to some extent. Arwen rescues Frodo from the woods, reminds Aragorn that she’s a faster rider, braves the dark with The Nazgûl racing behind her, and summons something in the water to thwart the enemy. No one can argue that Arwen isn’t bada**. However, for most of her screen time she appears docile, reserved, and quiet. Éowyn, on the other hand, is much bolder and assertive. She speaks more passionately, and actually sneaks in to the battle. Éowyn fears a cage; Arwen is willing to give up immortality for motherhood.
If you look deeper however, there is a stark contrast in their upbringing. Arwen is raised by her father in the elf kingdom. The war doesn’t actually concern them, and their plan was always to leave Middle Earth. There is no hardship or fear for Arwen. If she had fallen in love with another elf—like Legolas—she and her husband would have hopped on the boat without a backward glance and sailed into blissful peace. The only thing tethering Arwen to danger is her love for Aragorn (and the possibility that if she stays they could raise a family together). Éowyn on the other hand is an orphan being raised by her uncle, who is possessed by an evil wizard. Her brother is thrown out of the kingdom, and she is left to defend herself. If the war is lost, there is no escape plan for Éowyn. It makes perfect sense that Éowyn’s strength is more aggressive and desperate than Arwen’s.
This same concept can be seen in the real world.
“We are raising up women to be men. And you are not applauded for your femininity. You are applauded in the contemporary society by how tough, rough, nasty, mean, aggressive, hateful, possessive you are. And you’re climbing the corporate ladder but we are losing our families. I know you can buy your own car. I know you can by your own house. But until you create a need that I can pour in to, I have no place in your life.” 👤TD Jakes
We could talk about the faulty theology he employs in the beginning (for some reason people teach that woman was created “lower” than man even though submission is Eve’s punishment—you can not punish me by putting me in a position I’m already in), but we’re not going to worry about that. We’re going to focus on his concern of women raised to be like men. I’ve heard a lot of men say women are trying to be men, and in a society where people are literally changing their pronouns and gender, I’m always asking for clarification of what is actually meant. What behavior is this woman demonstrating that you perceive to be masculine. TD Jakes gives us a list of behaviors he thinks women have, which he contrasts to femininity implying that these are the masculine behaviors.